I felt like I was in a dream. I had fallen and broke, shattering into a million pieces on the ground. Now I'm still picking up the pieces, but I had fallen so hard, and there were too many pieces, I was afraid I'd never be whole again.
This has happened before. I fall in love, or so I think, and something goes wrong, and I'm lying there, scattered on the floor.
I never found all the pieces from Coty.
I guess I was never whole in the first place.
I sigh as the phone starts beeping at me. I sigh as I hang up. The silence in my room is screaming at me to call back and investigate. To yell, scream, and use all the low tricks I know to get him to tell me what's really wrong. I'm tired of the "Kayleigh Excuse."
He's pushing me away because of her. He says nothing is going to happen with us because of her.
At least until he gets closure, he tells me.
We both know that may never happen. I don't even think he's trying to make closure with her.
"Why does it have to be so difficult?" I muse out loud.
Eramiah and I have liked each other since we first met, back in my Freshman year. He was a Junior.
I was the one to break his pattern. Before me, he had never gone out with anyone younger than he.
At the time, I had been emotionally bound to my current boyfriend of the time, Mark, and 18-year-old Junior.
I had tried to date Era after Mark and I broke up, but I was still so "in love" with Mark, the relationship between Era and I lasted 2 days.
Both he and I regret what happened between us.
I regret ending it like it did. Heck, I regret ending it at all.
He regrets that he didn't ask me out the first time he tried.
He and I both remember that day. No one knows the exact date, but I remember everything else.
We were at out school, Cimarron, at the school-side access to the parking lot. We had just gotten out of our after-school practice. He and I, and our friend, Matt would stay after school and play around on our instruments. I played the violin, and they, the cello.
He was trying to ask me out, but another mutual friend, guess who (Mark) kept embarrassing the shy young man trying to ask me out. Mark and I hadn't started dating at this time.
Eventually Era gave up, and left before Mark. I kicked Mark's butt.
Matt and Eramiah introduced me to a band during our practice sessions, Apocalyptica. We would play their music, or sometimes they would just play and I would listen and watch Matt while he played. He always had the funniest faces.
My favorite song they played was called "Hope," possibly because at the time, it was my main value and favorite word.
I lay on my bed, under my comforter (even though it's 76.9' F in my room according to my clock), reminiscing about other parts of our past, though not all of it was good.
One memory, possibly the most painful and embarrassing of all my recollection, was after we broke up. I had begun to try to get back with him. We were in his room, I on his bed, and he at his computer. We had been hanging out for a couple of hours.
I tried to kiss him. I got near to him, and looked into his dark brown eyes (Which is funny, now that I think about it, I usually don't remember eye color...) and leaned forward to kiss him, and he turned away, a pained look on his face, mumbling an "I'm not ready yet."
We sat in silence for an awkward while, and I finally asked if his sister could drive me home. I told him he didn't have to come. He came.
I sat in the back and stared out the window 'till someone asked me a question. I answered, and went back to my silent contemplation.
It was a very awkward three miles.
We both regret that day.
We didn't talk much after that.
Nearly a year later, I disappeared off the face of the Earth.
Well, not really. I was in Utah, but for my friends, I had.
I never said goodbye to him. We hadn't even talked for nearly half a year. Not even a hello.
Then, one day, I got a letter form my foster-sister. Enclosed was a note from him, transposed into her handwriting. It was completely unexpected.
He told me how much he wanted to talk to me again, and how much he needed to tell me some things.
I replied, telling him thank you, and I missed him, too.
This is all that I've written for now. Tell me what you think so far at makennadriscoll@yahoo.com.
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