Okay, someone? Anyone?

So I stayed up tonight, just waiting for a sign. For what? I don't know. What kind?? I don't know that either. Maybe just an email, or a phone call. But of course, I got neither. Maybe that in itself is a sign.



I've been thinking about my life, which is never good. Thinking about life makes my moods spiral into a whirlwind of depression. I stop eating, talking, and even doing anything. I lay in my room, brooding or napping. I don't interact with anyone, unless it's to snap at my sister about some idiotic thing she's done, or hasn't done, and then mom gets upset, so my moods are even further down the drain.



And it doesn't help that this guy is creating so many problems for me. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but he's helping me ruin my life. I don't know if he's a liar and a fraud, or a martyr, and like it would Dr. Gregory House, it pisses me off. He says he's been having minor heart attacks, but honestly? I don't know what to believe. He nearly passes out after school today (Okay, yesterday...), and it seemed like he was having a heart attack, but they never sent for an ambulance, which makes me wonder where the HELL he got his acting skills. 'Cause he said that he was "pretending" to be drunk. If he was able to pretend THAT for the duration of Homecoming, then..., well, what else was he faking?
And, because I entered the group because of him, I am being shunned. Great. Crazy said it's because Gage is trying to hide a secret from me, and can tell everyone else, but they can't tell me, they're scared to talk to me, else it will slip. This must've been huge.

I've also lost EVERY MINUTE HOPE that I will ever be loved, and/or get married. I'm so tired of fickle men who one week, leads you on, and the next week lies to you to go out with another chick. That just pisses me off.

During 1st period today (yesterday), we were talking about abortion (closely related to aberration. In fact, they're even both in the same spell check). I read an article on how they abort the fetus. It's so awful, it made my stomach turn. For the first trimester, they insert a saline solution into the womb. And it doesn't just kill the baby, oh no! It burns the baby alive. Monitors actually have recorded the baby trying to flee the oncoming wall of fire. The fetus is alive. It has survival mode! It is a creature with a will to live. And "mothers" consider this NOT murder??!? And after the first trimester, it's almost as horrid. The Doctor, who apparently has no concerns for human life, induces labor, then stabs the baby at the base of the skull, carefully NOT killing it at that point. He/she (though it's hard to imagine an female doing such a horrendous act to a baby) then inserts a vacuum into the hole, and sucks the baby's brains out. The baby is obviously crying at one point. How can the ex-mother stand to hear the baby wailing for its mother's warmth, and its scream of pain when the stab-wound is made??
As I was telling this information to the class, one of the girls yelled out, "And then the doctor eats the brains, right?" and the room was filled with raucous laughter. Except for the other girls who were crying with me. Some people had to leave the room, and I don't blame them. I told the story with so much passion, I'm sure some became nauseous.

But in all my other classes, I have become invisible. No one takes note of me, comes up to talk, or asks for help. Only a select few will even acknowledge me, besides the teacher, unless it's to poke fun.
I'm tired of being alienated and estranged. I feel so alone. And it Obama does NOTHING to help, as I am a McCain supporter, and more than 9/10 of the school's populace is an Obama. Maybe even more. So there's another reason for me to get poked fun at, and spit on, and candy tossed at me.
No one would consider me as Homecoming or Prom royalty. No one knows me.


Lonely! I'm so lonely! I have no-body! To ca-ll my owww--NNN!!

*Growls*

Dear Gage,
I know you are reading this, as you always read my blogs. I wanted to tell you, I am EXTREMELY pissed at you. HOW many times did we discuss the affects of alcohol and drugs on a body under 24?? HOW many times did we talk about my massive dislike to drugs and alcohol??
You've been begging me back for a while now, and then you pull that little stunt at Homecoming?? That disgusts me. I am soo glad that I didn't go to Homecoming. I would have slapped you. When I see you, I have urges to do just that.
I'm tired of the sappy notes, the eager look in your face when you see me. I am NOT going back.
Gage, you never really loved me. You never loved yourself. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
Good luck in life.

My friend does his math...

So one of my old friends is... well.. super-smart. He told me about this blog entry a while ago, but I never got around to looking at it. I read it, and I'm going to let you guys read it (emphasis on guys..). So here it is!

Math

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder
to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out the window and gave the woman the finger. " Man, that guy is
stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive
past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is
armed.Give her the finger? I don't think so.

Matt Rhodes

So, there you have it, one of the best articles by a blogger I've ever read. Now I just have to go and tell him I used it.. *shudders*

Back to school! YAAAY!!

Ugh. Summer got soo boring near the end. So school started on the 25th, and let me tell you, I was sooo happy! I've got amazing classes. (7/8 are enjoyable).
School helps me take my mind off of things, like say... How alone I am? My friends and I all argue about how I'll never find love (They're on the defense. I am of the opinion that there is no one out there for me, and I will never find true love. Ugh. I have to stop reading romances...) I've come to the conclusion that even desperate men won't have me. (I asked two if they ever would even consider it, they said no. They didn't want to "ruin our friendship.")
So, if no one has figured it out, I broke up with Gage. He was driving me crazy. I broke up with him the Tues. before school started. I'm not going to go into details, but he's been irritating me since. I think he's forgotten how to smile, and that's bad.
D&D started on Wed. Gage and I are in the same group, so it's a little awkward, but we'll get through it.
Okay, so my Birthday is only about 3 months away. I'm scared. I don't want to be eighteen. I know I've probably complained about it already, but... It's soo close. There are some things I'm excited about, like joining my DM's Adult Only group, and driving. But the other things, like getting a job, and bills, and living on my own terrify me.
Well, I'm going to go.

Annoyance

I'm annoyed. Tired of getting harrassed by an ex. He needs to let go, and find himself-- in himself.
And I need to find myself.
I don't know what to do.

Tears Today

I made a HUGE mistake today. While at a party, the woman who has my old puppy Rusty arrived. I've been upset about it (mom and dad giving him away while I was at school) since I found out he was gone. I shouldn't have talked to her. Now I can't get Rusty off my mind.
I've been scouring the Internet, searching for Yorkie puppies, crying on and off. I miss Rusty so much. Janette, the woman that has him, offered to bring him over sometime. I don't think I could handle it. I'd break down crying. He wouldn't remember me, and that would hurt so much (And now I'm crying), because I still love him.
He's going to be two in February. I can't believe it.
I haven't talked to anyone since we got home. No one outside the house, that is. I feel bad, 'cause I got mad at Gage last night, and I think he thinks I'm still mad at him. But this has nothing to do with him. I don't want to talk to anyone. I was supposed to call back one of my friends, but I haven't yet.
While looking for another Yorkie, I found an ad for free T-cup Yorkie puppies. I emailed the woman , and am praying for a call. I told my parents that I am going to get this puppy, if the woman still has them.
They should have never gotten rid of Rusty. They gave him away, and then only a couple of months later I came home. Oh, and don't forget that my cat ran away the SAME MONTH that they gave Rusty to Janette, and no one told me until the day I came home.
I know this sounds spoiled, but right now, I keep thinking that my parents owe me for losing my baby, and giving away my dog. (and cue the tears)
I just miss them. Sonnet and Rusty. My boys. Yeah, I have Sammie, and Losgann never left, but... It's hard to lose a pet. Especially when you never got to say goodbye, didn't even know they were leaving.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.

So... Bored...

NOTHING is happening in my life, besides a few things:

• Gage and I are doing great.


• I can drive.


• I designed a skateboard for Joey today.

I'm staying up late every night, playing Neopets. That's what's going on in my life. That's it. Yay.

Does God Exist? A Question in a Forum. My Answer.

This morning I logged into my Myyearbook account, and read the question someone put out there in the forums. The question was: "i just got back from girls camp and now i know god is real. and that thereis a heaven and a hell if you disagree why?? what do you think happensafter you die?"
After a couple of minutes, I couldn't pull myself away. I had to tell this girl why. I think I had to tell me why. And now I will tell you why.
Hey, I'm LDS, or at least I was raised as one. I went to camp and all that, wentto church every Sunday, went to activities, (never went to Seminary, tho...) andall that jazz. I even gave one of the best talks that a youth in my ward hasgiven. But recently, I've opened my eyes to the world around me.
I hate the whole "gay marriage" argument. Love is love, and all love should behonored. If anyone wants to get married, it's thier right. If God doesn't likeit, then he can deal with it when they die.
My little sister is the epitome of Mormons. She is the EXTREME Molly Mormon. But I never was. I don't think I ever truly believed in it. And because I wasn't as perfect as her, not as happy, or didn't wear bright colors, and everything, Iwas judged. I'm upset that the Ward my family is in now is so cruel, as they do it to my little brother.
My sister was needed for babysitting by two families at the same time. When they were asked if I could do it for her, both adamantly said no, they just won't go out.
I have never had an amazing experience to tell me God is real. Even my baptism didn't reveal anything special, no peace of mind, no "holy ghost", or anything.Those few times I have believed, I have never felt so very alone.
That is why I don't believe in God.
I don't know what happens after death. Because I truly don't believe in God, I never could kill myself when I attempted to. I was afraid that there would be nothing, no life after death, no new experiences, that it all ends. I was afraid I was wrong and there would be something, and that I would suffer for my choices.
Religion has always been a struggle for me. I have a hard time not knowing if there is a higher being, also known as faith. I hope that all explains what you were asking. [end quote]
Does that make sense at all to you? Or am I just crazy?

Guess Who's Back, Back, Back, Back Again, Gain, Gain...

HELLO, my READERS!! I am back in Horrible LAS VEGAS!! I'm HAPPY to be home!
Sorry that I didn't write that much... we had NO Internet...
I'm sooooooo happy to be home, however, no matter how awful Vegas is. My friends are all here, and I missed them.
Especially Gage, my baby. I had such a hard time without him. And he had an even harder time without me. Thankfully, we called each other every day and night. Still doesn't make up for not being able to kiss, hug, and just touch each other. I still wonder if he's real, he's so wonderful. I still love just reaching for his hand and finding that it's solid, and not just my imagination.
We went to a party tonight. It was a gathering of friends, celebrating a loved one's 17Th birthday, and the beginning of her 18Th year of life. It was great seeing my friends again, even knowing this may be the last time we hung out. Joel has gone an graduated, and a lot of people are moving.
And to think, our lives which we hold so dear are going past us soo fast. I'm scared to grow up, and be independent. I have no income, as of yet; no way to support myself. But I'm torn in that I cannot wait to get out of here. Away from this place I so bitterly call a home. And yet, I don't want to leave. I wasn't a child long enough. I grew up too quickly. My childhood was wreaked with emotional pain, and torment. I had to grow in maturity to handle it. I resent that.
I also resent my father. I know it sounds wrong, but hear me out. I need to vent.
My father does nothing around the house. No chores, I mean to say. I haven't seen him pick up a plate to clean in nearly a year. He comes home every day from work, and lays down on his bed to watch TV. And then yells at us that we don't do anything. When we point out that he hasn't done anything, he tells us he has a job, and puts food in our mouths, so shut up, and get to work. But that nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me that mom has a job, and she does more than anyone. I told this to mom, and she says that he thinks teaching is a joke. WTF?? TEACHING, a JOKE???
Well, I'm going to go now. Have to do those dishes dad's been bitching about. Hugs and Kisses!

Vacationing

Hi, everyone!!
Well, I'm here, in Iowa. I'll be here for about two and a half weeks. We arrived yesterday.

So far, we've gone shopping, and visited my grandpa's grave. I also hung out with my old friends, Jayla, Kaci, and Marcel for a while. It was fun.

Later, I'm going to stay with my older sister for a few days. I'm soo excited!

My grandma's house kinda scares me, it's so old, I worry that there's going to be a fire from the out-of-date electrical wiring. The house was built in 1956, and no renovations have been made since. Not that I'm complaining, it's a nice house, but it just needs to be fixed up, which I did. I took a screwdriver to the doors, which don't sit or close right.

Right now, we're just relaxing. But I can't wait to get this vacation started. I'm so bored... I really want to get some hardware for the doors. Some still don't work right...

Oh, yeah. I'm on my mom's laptop, because grannie doesn't have a computer, which means she has no internet, so we're stealing internet from a neighbor that has a wireless router. It' slow, but it works.

Well, I'm going to go. I'll keep writing, if I remember. Maybe if I get bored enough... :)